Thursday, 27 October 2016

A lot has been on mind, and I have been changing how I act the past week or so. I feel better but it gets quite tiring too. Still in the transitional stage but I really want to find myself and my people in this time, or soon, or eventually. 

I don't wana be specific, I don't want to pin point who is at fault. I choose to believe that everything lies in my hands and my own perspective of things. It's tough, and I think I should not put so much pressure on myself. But that in itself is hard I guess.

In one aspect: Dance.
I am more sure of what I want in dance and I feel less guilty than before. I must remember that I don't owe anyone an explanation and follow the path I am happiest in. My decisions, my life and my happiness first. Not many years left in this field (though I will try my best to go as far as I can), so let's just do what makes me happy.

In another aspect: self-contentment.
It's hard when you're trying so hard to scream out to be seen when sounds around muffle you out. Eventually you try to be quieter and find another way. It's muting but you learn to accept it, though deep down you wish it were not like this. And you can't voice out; afraid it will hurt others. I guess this is the biggest social problem for me at the moment. I am trying very hard to reconcile with it but it takes a lot of effort. I see the easy way out but I see its implications as well. Trying to hold onto something that I believe to still be there, but things have changed. I admit even I have changed so I must be understanding as others have been to me. It's sad that the way I feel and the way things are are different but I wish you all the best in whatever you are pursuing.